I'm a cheating preacher

Every time I am asked to give a message (albeit, I can only count that number on one hand), I feel like a cheater. I have to try and depict a perfect love for me that I not only do not deserve but that comes from a perfect being that I put below other things in life. I cheat on God. I never think God is enough for me or can do enough for me when trials come. Something will come up in my life, and God will say "I've got it," to which I will respond, "no, let me carry that," as if He is some frail old lady that can barely lift her groceries.

He. Is. God.

He is Jehovah. He is Yahweh. He is Jesus. He is Holy. He is Redemption. He is Passion. He is blood poured out for cheating, lying followers like me who look for other things in life to appease my desires when all I have ever needed was Him, and why does He do it? Well, let's first examine why I do it.

Because seeing is believing. I can't see God. I wasn't there when Jesus was tortured and raised from the dead. I didn't see the miracles of healing the sick, resurrecting the deceased, and forgiving the sinful occur. If someone tells me anything, I have to get it straight from the horse's mouth. I'll believe that Homer wrote The Odyssey and that the events are alluded to historical events that may or may not have actually happened. I can attribute that to human error and the evolution of legend, but to believe that God inspired an entire treatise on how He saved humans (be they chosen beforehand or chosen for themselves) for His own glorification and victory against Hell? I'd have to see it to believe it.

But it's written down for me. Not good enough.

But I'm saved. Still not good enough.

But I'm called to preach. Still not good enough.

But the cravings of my soul are to learn more and more about the God by reading the Bible that is so too good to be true. Still not good enough.

When will God be good enough? As if we aren't bad enough to begin with. We desire hell naturally. Not intentionally. Not directly. Not consciously, but it's the easier route with the worst possible outcome while Heaven is the hardest route with the best possible outcome. Two routes. Two outcomes. Yet, I cheat on God constantly with my desire for Hell, not because I actively desire Hell but because I constantly believe that it's what I deserve, and I, being the "righteous judge" in this situation, condemn myself to the burning walls of afterlife, to which He says, "I'm not letting you go. No. You said in Birmingham that you loved Me, and you meant it. I know. I know the hearts of men, and I saw it straight through your core. You actively professed your love for me in front of hundreds, and I welcomed you home. No, Evan. You're not getting out of this one. Death can't even do us part. I know you deserve Hell. You know you deserve Hell, but I'm giving you Heaven. Don't offer me anything in return. It's not enough. I want you. That's all I want. I want you to be in constant love with Me. Not with Hell."

But why? Why does God love the imperfect beings that He made? Because He made them. We're not awesome. We're not cool. We're not the next best thing. We screwed up to the point that creation itself, according to the Bible, is experiencing labor pains because of our sin. That's not pantheism. That's telling you that the difference between the Garden of Eden and the Garden of Gesthemane is that things in the Garden of Gesthemane die. The Garden was meant for eternity.

But He made us because He loves us and He loves us because He made us. I'm a cheating preacher. I preach for people to know about how good the God is that I cheat on every day. The messed up part is He's telling me to do it. He wants me to do it, so what choice do I have (be it by guilt or by reason) to do what He says?